Stardust and Starlight: 25 Years of Life

Twenty-five. Twenty-five rotations around the sun. A precipice of time, as we orbit the Milky Way. I've often pondered why we're so bound to such preset ideologies.

I don't even know where to start. A great tide of change has washed over these last few years. The future appears in bokeh, yet feels oddly in focus. Like I can see it — I can almost reach it — but a slight blink, & it's all negated into nothingness.

Catalyst. A simple word, but one that has meant so much to me over the years. (Anyone remember Marzipan)?! From a nostalgic reference that’s been woven throughout my gaming (Apex Legends), it’s the spark everyone needs. That one thing that propels us forward, into the seemingly unknown, yet a much needed leap ahead.

For the first time during the COVID-19 Pandemic, I felt like myself. Like I knew who I wanted to be, I made friends, & found happiness in a plethora of things. I felt seen & heard. The world came together, we fostered powerful technology, tackled thousands of problems as a collective whole, to making others feel less lonely during the lockdowns (Please tell me you didn’t sneak out)! 😅

I fell out of motion with some of those people. I lost someone close to me. I felt forlorn. I buried myself in my Shortcuts project. It was my North Star during an extremely hard part of my life. & to think even for a second that I made an impact in a larger-than-life way, brightens my day up. It’s a foundational pillar of my personality.

I started unhealthy habits, I slipped deeper & deeper into an unhealthy lifestyle. My eyes are incredibly shot (& I still have no idea what’s wrong). Black-box medication was scary, but a much needed improvement for another facet of my life. I (tried) letting people go…

Sometimes I wonder if they still think of me. If they wonder “what if”, or if I’m just latching onto a moment in time, I digress.

I’ve got such an incredibly strong support system. I have a wonderful, supportive family. I also have a solid group of close friends that I care deeply about & would give them the world. The team at Elgato have been nothing short of exceptional. They reach out from time to time personally & they genuinely care. That's so incredibly rare in today's world.

But… I failed. I failed over & over & over again. I feel like I’ve let a great deal of you down. The updates slowed to a crawl. I couldn’t find the flame in the passion. I got burnt out. I gamed for days on end. (I don’t regret this). But it’s clear that I could’ve & should’ve done better. I let everyone down, including myself.

I don’t know what the next 25 years hold, heck I don’t even know what the next 3 months looks like, but rest assured I’m going to give it my all. I’m going to learn more about myself in the next ~5 years than I ever have. I’m going to fall on my face a hundred more times, but I’m going to become a better person foreach of those lessons.

I’m learning to forgive myself. To let myself occupy space, to feel like I get to be more than this small piece of stardust on this rotational axis, that is Earth. I hope to see you along the journey, because I’m just getting started!

& I’ll leave you with this quote from a few years back:

“& if this all fails, at least I've learned a lot. I chased my dreams, I pushed myself further. I've failed & learned how to pick up the pieces & continue on again.”